My Made for T.V. Movie

I've sat down at the computer several times to write, but I haven't been sure what to say. I've gone through some really difficult times these last few weeks, and just haven't felt like talking about them. I still don't feel like elaborating on everything, but it just feels weird to not write anything and just continue on as though nothing happened. So, I've decided to compromise and just give a brief explanation of what has been going on. . .

After having Logan, I experienced some postpartum ick (yes that is the technical term :) My doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants, and long story short, I had some severe side effects. Severe enough that I ended up in the hospital. Most of this experience is just a blur of my worst nightmares that I hope will fade over time. I stayed in the hospital for a week, and it was one of the most horrible things I've had to endure. Most of the doctors and staff just treated me like some emotional lunatic. They basically take all your agency away and care nothing for you. It's what I imagine Hell to be like, only with visitation rights. Ben and I would try to laugh about my stay in the "Pitts of Hell". It was either that or the endless crying. At some point I think my eyes just gave up and humor seemed like a better coping device.

Blood tests were ran, and as much as I HATE having blood drawn, it was the one positive thing I can take from this experience. The results came back. Hypothyroid. A normal persons TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is between 0 and 4. My first test was 44, my second was 72. My thyroid had almost completely stopped working. Apparently, it's one of the highest numbers they had ever seen and claimed that anyone that has come in with a number that high was in a coma. They predicted I had about 2 more weeks until I hit the "vegetable" phase. Clearly someone was looking out for me, and it wasn't the doctors.

Here's some of the fun symptoms of Hypothyroidism:
Fatigue,
Weakness
Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
Coarse, dry hair
Dry, rough pale skin
Hair loss
Cold intolerance (can't tolerate the cold like those around you)
Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
Constipation
Depression
Irritability
Memory loss
Abnormal menstrual cycles
Decreased libido

Wow, and I wonder why I've been feeling like crap? Sign me up for the next beauty pageant. I was actually relieved that I can now blame my inablility to lose weight regardless of how hard I work out on my thyroid.

My MRI also came back normal, so I was able to sigh a little relief. I'm not totally crazy after all. Those last few weeks were the combination of post-partum, bad medication, and a severe problem with my thyroid.

The hardest part was being away from my husband and children. The day they admitted me to the hospital was the day before Hyrum started kindergarten. I've never cried so hard, as I did that moment when they told me I was going to miss his first day of school. I've looked over all my friends blogs full of pictures and cute memories, and realize that I won't have any of that and I can never get that day back. Ben was good enough to take Hyrum for me and take pictures, but it's not the same. People keep telling me that "it's just kindergarten", "you'll always have next year", "you still have kindergarten for Ella and Logan". As kindly meant at the advice was, it just doesn't take away the pain. I've been anticipating this day since his birth. As a former teacher and the daughter of a teacher, school has been a huge part of my life. Some of my fondest memories were sitting on my living room floor back home, while my mom handed out the school supplies to load into our backpacks. I know it's not really that big of a deal, but for me, a mother who promised her worried son that she would be there that first day no matter what, it just broke my heart.

Then there was heartbreak number two. . .I can't breastfeed Logan anymore. I've been given some anxiety medication that isn't safe to take while breastfeeding. It was a tough decision to make. Stay in the hospital, so people could monitor me on different medication and continue pumping milk to send home with Ben, or take something a little safer for me (although not for the baby) and quit breastfeeding. After sobbing my eyes out and a lot of praying, I felt like being home and taking care of my kids with the bottle was a better option than staying in the hospital while other people fed my child my breast milk. Again, I understand it's not the end of the world, it was just really hard when I wasn't emotionally ready to quit breastfeeding. I know there are some positives and freedoms that come with the bottle, but it's just hard when I feel like it wasn't really my choice.

So, that is my brief summary of what's been going on. The scary part is this really is the Readers Digest version. The real version is a 6 hour length made for t.v. movie starring Jessica Alba playing the woe-be-gone mother. (Yes, I know she doesn't look a thing like me, but it's my movie and I can cast whomever I want).

Now it's just the waiting game. My thyroid medicine won't really be taking effect for another 6-8 weeks. In the meantime I get to be unbelievably tired, depressed, and irritated with everyone around me. Hmmm. . .sounds like another made for t.v. movie only this time it would have to be Sharon Osbourn or someone equally as creepy playing the part. Oh I should of never gone into the movie business.

However, when I get that grammy, golden globe, or whatever the heck the award is called, I do want to thank some special people in my life. Ben, for being the best husband in the whole world and staying with me during all the crazy. The Dome family, for all the advice, childcare, and non-judgemental friendship. Karen, who flew all the way from Hawaii to take care of me and my kids. And to all my family and friends who have visited, called, and prayed for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!