Love the Turkey, Hate the Holiday

Thanksgiving is a time where most people feel gratitude for all their blessings. I however, spent a greater part of it feeling guilt. I feel guilty because I realize that most of the year I haven't been feeling gratitude for all the many blessings I've had, and instead have been dwelling on all the hardships and trials and "I'll be happy when's. . ."

I suppose it's human nature to always be wanting the next thing in life, but it isn't the nature of God and therefore shouldn't be the nature of those that have faith in him. I can recognize that we have been blessed, but I have not let it bring me peace and contentment.

I've read all kinds of books and talked to all kinds of people on how to feel happy and grateful in the present amidst adversity and found some wonderful advice. It's the applying part that I can't seem to figure out. I know something is true, and can apply it just fine when life is easy, but when life gets complicated. . . principles just go out the window and start sounding like something off of a seminary video.

Normally I don't like to open up on blogs. They aren't journals, they are public domains, but it just felt fake for me to make a list of things I'm thankful for that I haven't really appreciated. It's not that I'm not thankful for them, but rather I keep losing focus of them when things are hard. Obviously I'm grateful for the gospel, and my family etc. but I know I could do better.

I've actually always dreaded Thanksgiving, because unlike most people who use it as time to thank the Lord for their many blessings, I use it as time to take inventory of my blessings and if I've really shown them the gratitude they deserve. Being the perfectionist that I am, I always find myself lacking and needing improvement.

I think that's also why I've always been more comfortable with Christmas. I'm so busy with the spirit of giving that I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. That's one of the reasons why we are commanded to serve others, but again it can only help for so long, then reality sinks back in, the tree goes back in the closet, trials return, and I get stuck in the same rut.

It's that vicious Book of Mormon cycle. It's pretty easy to be righteous when you are prospering and have no trials, but the downward cycle is a lot harder to fight against. I know it's not impossible though. The scriptures are full of prophets who had difficult lives and yet still remained faithful and had gratitude, even in their difficult times. I guess that's what I'm really thankful for. A lifetime to try and figure out how they did it and a Father in Heaven that knows I'm really trying.